Why this story about the tree and the ivy? Because holding spaces for many voices and experiences reminds me of the balancing act of the ivy and the tree. Though we may want both parties to thrive, there is a risk of damage, overpowering and oppressive relationship patterns.
Like the garden tree and the ivy, I consider cultivated spaces between people to be a live and dynamic process. I (controversially) don’t believe in safe spaces. When I hear about organisations or groups aiming at safe spaces, I worry. The reason for this is because for many of us who hold intersectional marginalised experiences, life is never safe and there is no promise that it could be given the oppressive systems we are constantly navigating. Therefore, it is common sense that the spaces we hope to cultivate will also have these challenging dynamics at play… I’ve never been to the magical place where what is happening in the world is not also happening in the room that I’m in!
So what do I believe in? Spaces that are flowing and developed to respond, in the moment, to the dynamics that will certainly surface. To develop these spaces takes time and effort and a recommitment to each other every time it becomes challenging to be together. When power is used heavy-handedly, when microaggressions are causing injury and when the room goes quiet as no one wants to be the first to speak out, or worse, no one but the hurt person has noticed what’s happened, this is where the qualities of well held space come to life and can make every difference.
In my experience holding space for each other in community or collective requires a number of skills and questions though this is not an exhaustive list.
- Get to know your own power – we all have some and often misunderstand it and how well we’re using it. Author Julie Diamond writes on power and how it manifests in shared spaces. In her article ‘Want to empower others? Tap into your fear’ she explores why people aren’t always honest with each other and the consequences of this in collective spaces. She asks the excellent questions:
- Who’s not speaking and what do they really think?
- What information is not being shared?
- What perspective are we missing?
An extension of this is exploring your understanding of what your privileges are as well as what marginalises you. I’ve seen many a conversation nosedive as people who have power are over-identified with their marginalised experiences and totally unable to see where they hold power or what privileges them and the impact this has on others.
- Be brave – this is short and simple and extremely difficult to do. But consider this, every time you reach for (or promise) safety in collective spaces, you are eradicating the potential for the kinds of risks that take us into deeper and transformative dialogue. Brian Arao and Kristi Clemens research dives deeper on this and expresses the structural dynamics which mean safety and comfort are often conflated.
- Pick up difficult dialogues in the moment – We’ve all been in those leaked conversations that happen after a difficult group session. No one said anything in the room but afterwards we all had an opinion about how it should have gone. You don’t have to have all the answers but practice in the moment conversations that draw attention to issues that are playing out. You can do this through disagreement, curious questioning or just letting it be known you’re feeling something (eg ‘this feels tricky’, ‘I’m noticing I feel worried’).
- Take a collective approach – for space-holding to be done well, everyone needs to play their role and agree to the conditions and focus. It can’t be a dictatorship – it requires time and exploration to understand if you are collectively aligned in your wants or if you have things yet to be agreed. Even exploring this together supports a different kind of dialogue: be ready to hear views outside of and opposing your own.
- Practice and practice some more – Not once, not twice, but over and over again. The work of holding space requires a skillset that needs to be honed. If you don’t feel able to do that yet, reach out to an experienced facilitator who can support the initial phases of the collective/community/group coming together so they can model an approach that you can practice together.
- Keep going – Don’t tap out if it gets hard (it will get hard). Holding space means making space, for the good, the difficult and the unexpected.
The world around us is constantly drawing us into binary positions, static opinions and a fear of disagreement. Anti-oppressive space-holding asks us to be in a deep relationship, to stay when it is hard and get to know ourselves and others enough to know- we’re in this together.
